


The Memories Hotel

by Ibelieveinloveandangels



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angel Zayn, Angst with a Happy Ending, CAN'T tell you much about Zayn's nature I meant, Due to spoilers i can tell you much about Zayn's nature, Ghost Zayn, Is up to the reader to decide, Kind of fantasy, M/M, So no worries, University professor Liam, but you'll find out immediately when reading it at first, fancy Harry, i really don't know what more can i add in the tags, is up to the reader, kind of sci-fi, let me know if i need to add anything else, or Zombie Zayn, supportive friends Niall and Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 10:12:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16490606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ibelieveinloveandangels/pseuds/Ibelieveinloveandangels
Summary: ''Mates,'' Niall cleared his throat as Liam started clearing the table. ''Have you heard of 'The Memories Hotel'? It's an old hotel outside of the city, I think the grandson of the owner manages it now. And uh... I find it so fascinating, you know how I am''. Louis looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, suspiciously, from the kitchen. ''I don't know how I just heard about it! Some people around the city say that you go there to remember, and that you have actual vivid memories there while you sleep! That's so awesome!'' he shouted excitedly.A brokenhearted Liam is willing to do anything to keep Zayn alive in his memories. Even if that brings him pain.A stay in this hotel will bring them back togheter. But it will also help him forgive himself.





	The Memories Hotel

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there, beautiful reader. I was reading [some](https://www.upi.com/Health_News/2012/03/29/Alzheimers-memory-loss-linked-to-zinc/UPI-32741333058775/) [articles](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3044369/) about the link between zinc and memory because I was having a chat about the influence it has on memory loss, and came up with this idea. And just thought it'd be awesome if a place like this really existed. Anyways, this is a work of fiction, inspired my endless love for science fiction, and none of what it's said here regarding buildings made with high concentrations of zinc are true, just wanted to clarify. Due to spoilers, I can't reveal Zayn's nature on the tags, but I think you'll notice instantly by reading the first part.  
> I want to thank my amazing and kind beta [Chitra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziam_Time/pseuds/Ziam_Time) for all her help and suggestions. And all of the people who made this challenge possible. Thank you <3  
> English is not my first language so please excuse me if you find any emotions or moments I tried to explain, but fail to with words. And I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.  
> This story is part of The Ziam Club's Song Lyrics Challenge, for the prompt [''Saw You In A Dream'' by The Japanese House](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxZDxF0MyV0). To read more of the amazing fics by the other writers participating on this challenge, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/The_Ziam_Club_Song_Lyric_Challenge/works).

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One year and seven weeks. Maybe more. He wasn't sure if he had to be sincere with himself...

But it felt like nothing had changed since the day he saw his golden body turning dim. He'd never get used to getting used to live with the absence of his soft voice brightening his days.

The sun shone brilliantly above him on those busy streets and the colourful trees on that spring day under its glare were offensively bright and cheerful. It was as if they conspired to show Liam how the world would go on without Zayn. It shouldn't. Everything should be as grey and foggy as he was feeling, it should be cold and damp with silent air. But the birds still sang and the flowers still bloomed. It was actually selfish of him to think that way and he hated the person he had become, so bitter and empty inside. He walked through those streets to his house like a silhouette of himself, wishing he was as insubstantial as the shadows so that he wouldn't feel a thing.

He played with the keys in his hands before actually opening the door. And when he did, the aroma of chicken filled samosas caressed his nostrils. _Those were Zayn's favourites..._

His heart started going as twice as its normal speed. If he was indeed not hallucinating this, Zayn was sitting on the sofa, watching some animated movie about dogs.

 _But it couldn't be_.  _He was gone._

Logic screamed at Liam to wake up, to realize that was an illusion, that he was losing his mind. But his heart pushed him to sit next to Zayn. Those sweet honey doe eyes were staring at him, and his soft luscious lips said something he couldn't hear because he was too lost on him. ''Could you go get them please, babe? They're ready. Go, before they get cold''

''What?'' Liam said startled.

''The samosas, babe'' Zayn chuckled. Sweet skies, he was so adorable and beautiful! Liam could not believe his luck. He got up as soon as he heard the command and went to the kitchen to get them. But when he returned, the only sound that could be heard on the living room, and the entire house, was the sound of the plate breaking into pieces after Liam let it fall out of shock. Zayn wasn't there anymore.  _He was gone again._

And then another noise. Cries of pain could be heard in the distance, fragile sobbing and a weak groaning. They seem to come from upstairs. Liam never imagined stairs could look this terrifying. Each step felt like a challenge, like he had to lift a ton of weight before taking another step. Deep down, he  _knew_ just what was waiting for him on his room. He had heard that crying way too many times not to be afraid of it. Of what it meant.

He entered the room, and his biggest fear manifested. Just like he had seen him the last time their lips touched. Zayn was lying on their bed. He was skin and bones only, his face pale and masking the immense ordeal going on inside of him. So still, as if he was... Liam didn't want to mention it even. He  _hated_ that word.

''Why did you do it, Liam?'' he spoke softly, his voice raspy and shaky. Liam shook his head furiously, with his eyes closed shut tightly. This couldn't be happening... This was impossible!

''Zayn, you're gone'' Liam simply blurted out.

* * *

 

Liam woke up, sweating profusely, with his head pounding. Dry tears were now adorning his cheeks. His hands shakingly touched their surroundings, his bed sheets, his pillow, his chest, himself. It was real. That was real. The nightmare he just had wasn't. He often had this type of horrendous dreams that sadly became a habit for him. But the worst part of them was waking up to an empty spot next to him. Where Zayn had been for more than ten years. Liam achingly missed him.

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A full year after Zayn's passing the mourning had not run its course. The heaviness was in Liam's whole body as well as in his soul. Things he used to find funny now only caused a deepening of the pain. Zayn should have been there to laugh with him, or at him, or just near him. He should be here to watch animal documentaries. But Liam is obsessing with their old home movies instead. He should be the one dancing around goofily with Liam to some upbeat Wham!'s song. But there's an empty heart-rending living room. He should be the one laughing with Liam and their big families around the christmas' tree. Instead there's just that big subject everyone avoided while Liam just sat there silent in a corner of the room. He should be the one to debate whether Silver Surfer or Goku being the most powerful superheroes, resulting in Silver Surfer as the winner, Zayn would give his verdict. He should be the one taking care of their garden. But, instead there's dead tomato, sweet pepper and orange plants and trees that stand on their backyard now. He should be the one taking him by the hand to one of their late rendezvous to the public library to read some random book they'd pick. He should be doing all those things they used to do together. But he's gone.

And Liam misses Zayn. He misses him every single passing moment. This whole thing seems like a long never-ending nightmare.

'This is how Zayn liked his tea', 'Zayn loved these flowers', 'I wish Zayn could see how starry the night looks', 'Zayn would've been so happy to know this'. So many things...

The last two months were the hardest... Zayn fought like a real champion. And Liam suffered in silence. He hated seeing the love of his life lying there, in that hospital bed, like a fragile skeleton, and not being able to do _any_ _thing_  to change it. Most days Zayn would ask him to read a poem to him, something pretty to help his mind scape. And Liam would do it without a doubt, with the most soothing voice. But illness didn't care about cute moments, about happiness, and about Liam's angel misery. There were times were he screamed in pain and the agony was too overwhelming. Morphine would be increased for him, but Liam knew it was only temporary.

Zayn was strong, nonetheless. Stronger than he'd ever be, he was sure of it. The last months of his life, his students would come visit and Zayn would read them stories. They all loved him dearly since he was his favourite English teacher. The beaming glow on his delicate and pale face brightened each sentence he read on those children's books. And that's all that mattered to Liam. His laugh,  _that laugh._ He'll remember it for eternity. Yet it had been so long since he heard that tender and adorable laugh. His biggest fear was forgetting. Everything. Because every little detail of Zayn was a wonder on itself.

And Trisha and Yaser, as well as his parents, were there every step of the way. If he was aching, he can't imagine what it must have been like for them to see his son like that. They often came to visit and brought them food and more and more books to read, to spend the long hours.

But death cared little to nothing about family, strong bonds of love, suffer, or pretty much anything. Death wasn't kind. It was, in fact, lifeless. Insensitive. It took away people, no matter how young, no matter how good. It didn't pretend to care, or distinguish. Death had ripped away a part of him, the part of him he loved the most. And one thing was for sure: there are no refunds.

Life had to go on. With or without the empty hole with the shape of Zayn on his heart. And Liam found it unfair and cruel, how the Earth kept spinning, how the sun continued rising, to welcome in each new day devoid of his soft laughter in the mornings and his sweet caresses in the cheek at night.  But life was pulling him forward into the unknown with one hand and erasing his past with the other. His thoughts were thicker than the blizzard, " _Zayn's gone and who cares? The colours of autumn will come but he won't_ ". Liam saw him everywhere he went.  In the things they both loved - in nature, in music, in silly things. So though he's gone, his aura remained around, beautiful and strong, making the pain all the worse, keeping the feelings so raw inside his mind. But he had bills to pay, duties to be performed as a mortal. Zayn was gone, but he was still here.

A class of many faces stared at him back on the classroom. He was still a music technology professor at university, he still had students that trusted their futures, or part of the making of them, on him. He found himself lucky for the fact that most of the staff of academics at the university were understanding of his situation and didn't bring up the subject whenever he was near them, because that would be hell for Liam to talk about. He had a pile of papers in front of him on his desk in front of the empty classroom. He had to review them, and he frankly had no energy to anything in life for more than a year now. He felt exhausted almost all the time.

He took the pile on his arms and walked away from there. He had to come back home, which was the worst part of the day. That house full of memories of  _him_. Of loneliness eating Liam up. Of silence suffocating him. He can almost see him smiling in his favourite purple sweater in every corner of the house. Liam kept the curtains closed so that he wouldn't have to witness life going on as usual. How could it when his world wasn't there anymore?

He had no appetite either, but he had to do this! He couldn't let his friends down, like he did with so many people on his life,  _even with Zayn..._ He had to pick himself up and prepare a good meal. So he took a deep breath, letting the warm air on his house fill his lungs, and went to the kitchen. A mellow aroma of vegetables decorated the place. He wouldn't be so eccentric and would cook a steak with some vegetables and potatoes on the side.

And around 7:30 pm the lads arrived, wearing comfortable clothes and smiles on their faces. Niall and Louis engulfed him in a tight embrace. Their cuddles were the only antidote Liam had in this world. Their arms wrapped right around him bring a peace he had never known before, a calming of the storms in his heart. They give him hope for the future. In their embrace he starts to believe that there is nothing out there to fear, that he's not alone and that not everybody hates him. They share their body heat with Liam as easy as they share their heart. They'd known each other all their lives and cuddled every time they saw one another. That's how tight their friendship was.

They aren't simply good friends to Liam. They were the ones picking him up after Zayn's departure, holding him close in their arms. They were the ones cooking for Liam when he didn't even had the force to move from his bed, let alone eat. They were the ones making him a cuppa and opening the curtains of his room where all Liam felt in his heart was darkness. When life became a storm they were the boat that kept the water from entering his lungs. He sees the people in his life, people around him. They all look down at him with pity and sad eyes. But Louis and Niall are different. They look at him with respect and empathy. They listen to him without judgement.

They all sat at the round table in the dining room and chatted like there was no tomorrow. Niall let out a few loud laughs, and Louis told them funny anecdotes of his week. Although Liam remained silent most of the dinner, like he did usually, he smiled all the way and had a good time. This weekly Friday nights are exactly the breath of fresh air his heart needs.

''Mates,'' Niall cleared his throat as Liam started clearing the table. ''Have you heard of 'The Memories Hotel'? It's an old hotel outside of the city, I think the grandson of the owner manages it now. And uh... I find it so fascinating, you know how I am''. Louis looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, suspiciously, from the kitchen. ''I don't know how I just heard about it! Some people around the city say that you go there to remember, and that you have actual vivid memories there while you sleep! That's so awesome!'' he shouted excitedly.

''Then it's not my place...'' Louis said. ''My sleeping schedule went to shit and I can barely catch any rest lately''. Liam nodded silently. He doesn't remember when was the last time he woke up well rested from his sleep. Since he always has terrifying nightmares with Zayn.

''C'mon, hey! Won't you just join me then? You don't have to actually remember anything if you don't like, but just please join me'' he genuinely pleaded.

Liam sighed. He considered it for a while and got to the conclusion that his friends had done so much for him, the least he could do was help Niall with this. Besides, what harm would it do? He didn't believe that place anyway. It must be the way those hotels attract tourists and sell more. ''Sure'' he simply answered with a smile. Niall beamed as bright as the sun.

''Thank you! Thank you, lads!'' he jumped euphorically up and down, like a little child who just got the present he wanted.

''Now what would be the oh so precious memory you'd have, Nialler? What do you want to remember so bad?'' Louis asked teasingly.

''No, not what, Tommo, how'' he answered adding a mysterious tone on his voice.

''How?'' Louis asked actually confused.

''No... ugh... I just wanted to sound interesting... But the thing is I don't care for the memories, but more for the experience. Even if I remember silly memories with my brother from when we were kids, I still want to experience the vivid memory, like I was there, you know? I don't know... I don't even know how that place works, but I want to go. It'll only be for one night. Tomorrow is Saturday, after all, and you lads don't work. Who knows? Maybe you end up loving it''

Louis rolled his eyes and derided at him lovingly. ''Alright, you got me. But only if we go to get some pizza afterwards'' he stated with authority, or so he thought.

''Deal'' Niall smiled at them both.

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''During the construction of this hotel, the construction company made a mistake and they used an excessive amount of zinc, which is known as the memory ally, so this building practically became a store for memories. Like a magnet for memories, let's say'' the hotel manager guided them through the long hallway leading to the elevator that would take them to their respective rooms on the sixth floor. The man had a deep interesting voice and was really charming. Liam could see why he attracted so many people there with his charisma and why some even believed his every word. He seemed as extravagant as the hotel he managed. Dressed in a pink satin blouse with a fluffy pussy-bow necktie, the curly-haired man waved his hands expressively as he talked. Niall followed him close, listening attentively and looking around as if he was an extraterrestrial meeting the world around him, or a baby learning new things. Louis just nodded along to the man's explanation and occasionally grabbed a few sweets from Niall's backpack. Liam just listened quietly as he walked behind them.

''And how does the whole reviving memories work? We go to sleep and we just remember, in first person, or from afar, or...? Sorry, I'm just really curious and really excited'' Niall said animatedly.

Harry, as the man's shirt with his name embroidered showed, just chuckled. ''Well, you see, the people who stayed here have said many things. But they mostly say the same. They go to sleep and they feel like awakening mid dream, to be in their bed and kind of 'witness' the memory''

''If I were to, say, remember a memory of my brother, I'd see my brother? Could I interact with him, or it'd just be like watching a movie?'' Niall kept his interrogation.

''Good question, sir. Well, you just go to sleep and you 'dream' of your, for example, brother. And the 'dream' is the memory, but you just watch it. No, as an answer to your question, you can't interact with them,'' he replied, instantly changing his facial expression to one of slight disgust as he seemed to remember something, ''although a few guests that stayed here in the past have said that they have seen some people of their memories as 'ghosts', like, they could interact with them. Even with dead loved ones specially, I'd say...''

Liam felt his lungs contracting. Was he starting to believe it? No, it couldn't be! He knew this was only a marketing strategy, or was it? Anything if it meant seeing Zayn again was for him the best option. But he had to really be critical with this thing to not get his hopes up and then crashing alongside them.

''But those are just rumors, we don't have ghosts in this building. I guess, since only a few people said they experienced this, that those were people sent by the competition to scare people away from here. But worry not, loves, there's no ghosts here'' Harry smiled.

They walked past an abstract painting of a sea full of vibrant colours, that once again made Liam think ' _Zayn would've love this one'_. Niall gasped, high-spirited, at it. ''You are amazing, Harry, managing this place on your own''. They reached the elevator and the talk continued there.

Harry looked at him past his shoulders, looking at Louis and Liam rapidly, and gave him a soft smile again. ''You are so kind, Niall. I'm not that amazing. I have the help of a lot of people. From the ones in the kitchen, to those who arrange the bedrooms before you come here. To the ones who clean the toilets and halls. Everyone does an exceptional job around here. And... we're here'' he announced happily moving his hands from one side to the other, as the elevator's doors opened revealing a long dark hallway. A red carpet on the floor led them to each door at the sides of it. Niall would be staying in the one on the middle of the hallway, with Louis on the room on the right of it, and Liam on the one on the left. They were all set. He let Harry guide both of his friends to their respective rooms, before opening the door to his. ''Here it is'' he let the door fly wide open. A little, yet breathtakingly beautiful, room displayed itself in front of him. The dark red tiles that made the floor so cozy contrasted really well, somehow in a weird way, with the strong and cheerful green of the wall. There was a big double bed on the corner of the room, adorned with some well-ordered pillows. A white old drawer and a cream yellow lamp gave the room the last touches.

But what Liam loved the most about the room, though, was the view it had. Behind those fancy floor-to-ceiling arch-shaped windows, he had his own private terrace, with the view of the river that was conveniently near the hotel. Some wicker chairs rested there so he had the chance to sit there and just contemplate the river.  _Perfect_ , he thought. He really was blessed to have Niall as his generous friend who would randomly gift him this kind of memories. ''Hope you rest well, Liam'' Harry spoke, taking him out of his thoughts. ''If you need anything, just ring reception, alright?''. Liam nodded and gave Harry a weak smile. And with only an understanding nod, Harry told him everything and closed the door, leaving Liam alone with his thoughts again. Something quite scary usually. But he wouldn't let that ruin this joyous moment for him. So he just went to the terrace and focused his attention on the way the river flowed.

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The rain fell down upon the concrete of the city outside the hotel's window, pounding on the rooftops and drenching the streets. It was 2:47 am according to the digital clock on the bed side table of Liam's hotel room. He couldn't sleep, he just tossed and turned around. Until he just focused on the rain sounds and he was able to close his eyes and rest, stopping the noises in his head.

Just when he was about to fall into deep sleep, he started hearing some unnerving sounds coming from the bathroom. They were barely audible, but as he got closer to the closed bathroom door, he heard them all too properly...  _His heart almost stopped right there._ It started beating so rapidly that he was afraid it may cause him a heart attack.

He knew those sounds. Heavy breathing, gasping. It sounded like someone was suffocating there. And Liam's heart was breaking.  _Zayn!_ He pushed the door opened  _and there he was._ Lying on the floor, his face was bloody red and his eyes were spinning madly, not focusing on anything specifically. His whole body was quivering. His breath came in gasps and Liam was afraid he'd black out. The room started spinning as Liam squatted on the floor next to Zayn. ''Baby, I'm here, I will hug you, is that okay? I'm right here'' he said in the softest voice. Zayn gave him the quickest nod. So he held him as close to his body as he could, embracing Zayn's fragile body tightly. ''It's okay, precious, I'm here. Shhh, I'm right here. You'll be okay, yes?''. He hasn't even realized, whispering sweet comforting things into Zayn's hair, that his eyes were watering. With big round tears forming at the sides of it and falling slowly but non-stop down his cheeks. ''Breathe, baby, just breathe for me, yeah? Can you do that?''. Zayn wasn't giving him answers. The tears flowed unchecked down his cheeks and dripped from his chin down Zayn's long hair. His gorgeous frail black hair that now came a little past his shoulders. He was too nervous to cry out or scream, he just sat there rocking Zayn in his arms. ''Stay with me, please. I don't want to lose you again. I wish I could turn back time and not make the same mistakes''

Liam was incredibly nervous now. He wanted to call an ambulance, to do something! But the phone seemed to be so far away. Zayn stopped breathing. What number was it? They all hated him. What did he made that decision? Why did he do that? The room is spinning. Zayn was gone. He was alone in the floor, in fetal position, calling his name. Blackness. Creeping pitch blackness. ''Zayn, I love you forever''

* * *

 

He woke up suddenly to find himself soaking wet with his own sweat. His breathing laboured and his thoughts running wild. If that was a dream, it was the most realistic and evocative dream he ever had. As if... he almost met Zayn again, skin to skin... He was seriously scared of this hotel now. Something about it screamed 'get out of here as soon as possible' but also some part of him wanted to stay there forever, if he had the chance to see Zayn again, even in dream form. But he only wished to not see him on that state.

He washed his face with cold water, as well as his teeth, and went down to the buffet. He tried knocking on the doors of his friends' rooms before going down, but they didn't answer, so he figured they might be already at the buffet.

He hadn't realized just how early in the morning it was until he arrived at the buffet. The big clock with forks instead of the usual clock hands that hung above the tables marked 5:37 am. And no, he didn't find his friends there at the buffet. So he found that weird... They were probably sleeping still, considering how early it was, and that's why they didn't answer earlier. He was one of the few people there at that hour. There was only just another old man reading a newspaper with eggs on toast in front of him on a plate, and two girls chatting quietly and eating some cereal.

So Liam sat down slowly, quite thrilled he was alone, absorbing the quiet. Watching the rain outside from the big window that showed the little inner garden of the hotel. It was raining gently, politely. Comforting rain. He let himself relax and let his mind quietened as he sink deeper into the chair. In front of him laid a dish with various fruits, some bacon, eggs and a cup of tea. He tried to calm down and analyze what had happened with the 'dream' he had.

So just in time, a loud cheery voice filled the buffet, spotting Liam. ''How's it goin' mate?'' a slightly present Irish accent was heard. Niall patted him in the shoulder and sit in front of him with a bowl full of honey biscuits. Louis followed suit, waving at them from the tables where the food was set for one to choose. As he approached the table to where his friends were, Louis asked, ''couldn't sleep either, Payno?''

Liam sighed, and really thought about it all before saying anything. Everything was extremely personal for him, and he didn't want to worry his friends. So he just answered something unrelated. ''Yeah... How about you?''

''Mates!'' Niall barely ended his bite, because of how much excitement his affirmation had. ''I had the most vivid memory! I don't know about you non-believers, but I had a 'dream' with my dad! I saw him dance on the living room, to some old jazz song. And he was so happy! I smiled, honestly'' he recalled with a big grin on his face. ''I couldn't interact with him tough... Just like Harry said. I only saw him from afar, like a clear memory''. He ended his explanation and looked at them both, from Louis to Liam, and vice versa. He stared at them expectantly. ''And...? How about you? Nothing at all?''

Louis played with his food a little bit, just looking down and avoiding any type of eye contact. While Liam just shrugged and nodded. ''Some silly memory of me graduating from uni'' he slipped a little white lie. Niall nodded too, and turned his attention back at Louis. ''Lou, and you?''

Louis dropped his cutlery down and rested his elbows on the table. With his face in between his hands, he let out a long sigh. Niall's eyes opened wide, and more expectantly he waited for Louis' response. ''I had a memory, yes... And a pretty vivid one... Fuck...'' he huffed, with his face still buried in between his palms. ''With me mum...'' he whispered. ''Shit, I'm sorry, Nialler. I should've trust your word. This place... this place is... It's just- a lot for me, you know?'' he said frankly, with a tone of deep sadness in his voice. Liam understood him so well. This place was, for those who lost a dear one, a very heart-wrenching place indeed.

''Woah... sorry, Tommo... I- I never thought this would turn out like this... I-''. Niall stop mid-sentence and got up to hug Louis. He hugged him tight like they always did with one another. After the release, Louis' eyes were puffy, but he had a tiny smile on his face. ''It was...'' he started. Niall came back to his seat to fully listen to him, subtly looking at Liam as he did so, with the knowing look a friend of years only understood. The 'I know you're probably not telling me something' Niall look. Liam looked away fast, and looked at Louis, giving him his full attention too. ''Me mum was so... ethereal... she looked like an angel. I had this one memory, of her waiting for me at home with a bowl of cocoa cereal after I came from a footy match with some friends...  But, lads! She... she was looking at me! It felt so real! Like she actually was there! And I was reaching my arms to touch her face, but I couldn't... That broke my heart... But I got to see her!''. A huge smile formed on his lips, crinkling the sides of his eyes. ''I owe you so much, Niall, you're the best friend anyone can wish for'' he confessed sincerely.

Liam contemplated the scene with pride. He felt lucky and blessed to have this friends. That kept him going in the darkest times. And one thought wouldn't leave his mind also. Why couldn't his friends interact with their memories, when he did? And pretty vividly and horrifyingly so! Maybe those people Harry mentioned, who saw 'ghosts', told the truth... But he wasn't sure. Was the Zayn he saw in the memory Zayn's ghost? But he couldn't completely talk to him, so... Ah! This really messed with his mind and the little sanity he still had left. They would check out in a few hours anyway, so what was the use of all those questions? He'd just remember this hotel as a very creepy experience he had.

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''I hope you come back soon, for more memories!''. He remembers Harry's last words before they left the hotel. A whole week had passed from that day and he couldn't get it out of his mind. He stopped having nightmares at night, which was a very positive thing. But he couldn't get his brain to function properly without thinking about that place. He decided, after a long sleepless night debating with himself, that today, Friday, first thing he'd do after giving his class would be heading to the hotel.

He drove the half an hour road to there and arrived in front of that big light pink building. He booked three nights there, since he just started working on Wednesday morning. He'd do this, he'd do this, he repeated to himself. He hadn't told his friends anything about this. They didn't need to worry about him, more than they already did. Needless to say Harry was happy to see him back. And he told him that his sixth sense knew that Liam would come back for sure. ''Because of that special someone you want to see again''. He was not going to lie, he was scared of Harry's words. And how he knew something without Liam telling him anything.

The first night, if he had to write a journal of his semi-week there, would have to be the worst one for him.

He returned to the bed on the same room he had booked the other night. Plopping into the soft and cozy bed, he pulled the blankets up. Not long after, his eyes were closed. But the scariest part came here. The scariest part of the experience, when his brain couldn't dissociate dream from reality. His mind played tricks with him, and he felt he was living all of it,  _all of it._ But what Liam didn't know was that his brain was actually showing him real memories, but with his subconscious' interpretation of them.

His eyes opened again. He wasn't in the hotel anymore. But he sat up at the speed of lightning strikes. He felt sweat drench his skin, the throbbing his eyes, and the thumping of his heart against his chest. Hesitantly, he looked around. He could hear the fainting sound of familiar voices speaking in the kitchen downstairs. And his heart sank right through his skin onto the floorboards of his bedroom. He clenched his fists as he hesitantly took each step down to the kitchen. He noticed his feet trembled and his legs twitched, fighting the impulse to whirl around and sprint down to his room again. His throat closed in threat of screaming at the sight of the man who appeared at the doorway of the kitchen.  _Yaser._

''You bastard! You took our son away from us! It was your decision!''. His voice rose above the dead silence of the house. Liam watched his face change to hurt and anger. And his stomach ached with pain. He felt like throwing up right there. Yaser's eyes were full of fires of fury and hatred as he came close to Liam and hit hard on his chest. Liam just stayed still, taking all the anger against him. He deserved it... He killed Zayn.  _His everything, his one and only, Zayn._

He heard someone crying silently, yet audibly, in the kitchen.  _Trisha..._ She was there too. And Liam was living the worst nightmare of his life. She came behind Yaser, with tears streaming down her cheeks, and stared at Liam as she embraced her husband from behind. A cold dead stare that killed him. ''Liam...'' she paused and sighed, fixating her gaze onto the ground as her eyes darkened. She glanced back up at Liam. “Why did you do it?” Her voice sounded more pained than anything.

By the time he closed  his eyes shut as tight as he could, when opening them he had no memory of how he'd got there or where he was. There was a white door in front of him, and he realized he might be in a hospital. As his eyes settled on the image of the person in front of him when the nurses opened the door, his chest constricted and breathing became hard. With shaking hands, he waved back at the fragile slim and blurry figure in front of him on that hospital room.  _Zayn..._

* * *

 

Once again, he woke up heaving and covered in sweat. His mum used to said regrets were 'moral residue.' Like something hard to remove got stuck on you when you did something against your better judgement. And he didn't understand it until he did something wrong himself. Now the residue seems impossible to remove, like a stain glued to his cerebral cortex. There was no way back. There was no way to make it right. It was impossible, because the only certain thing life gives you, ironically, is death. He had to live with it. Remorse etched at his heart.

Liam tried to forgive himself many times, but he couldn't. The memories of Zayn hunted him and he felt this as a drug. Those nightmares hurt him so much, but he wanted to have them. It was the only part of him Liam could hold on to. The only way he had to see Zayn again. But the guilt was like gasoline in his guts. His insides died slowly in the toxicity, needing no more than a spark to set it ablaze. The fire burnt him out so badly there was nothing left but a shell, an outline of a person, the shadow he became a long time ago.

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

The second one was the most painful one.

He woke up in a hospital room. The room was beautiful, the flowers fresh, perfumed. There was a view of the garden outside, a pretty cute place. And that was sad... Because a the outside view adorned a place that was full of pain and suffering on the inside. Liam eased himself into the soft chair while 'Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours' by Stevie Wonder played soothingly on the background. His husband was at his side, quietly holding his hand.

And Liam remembered it all too well. This exact moment when Zayn made his decision. He was screaming, he was crying, he was breaking himself on the inside, but words didn't come out. He hated this memory. He didn't want to experience this again.

''I love you forever, Liam, do you know that?'' Zayn's soft weak voice came out as a whisper. His throat was giving up, as well as his whole body. Zayn was so deep in ten shades of agony that he would be unreachable if it weren't for the immense amount of morphine he was administrated. Liam nodded, and said nothing. It was the only thing he could do to avoid breaking down in tears. He was dying. It was imminent. His baby was dying. The love his life. The only person he ever loved. The person that loved him so deeply for so many years.

Zayn clasped his hand. ''Jaan, I'm dying... I can see you, I can see Mummy and Baba, my sisters, and the lads... They want to save me. If I could help, if I could...''. Liam wanted to interject, he wanted to tell Zayn none of this was his fault, at all. That he was fighting like a warrior and that it was all that matter. But Zayn placed his dainty finger on top of his lips. ''But it's far too late for me to be saved...''. He stopped coughed a bit, and winced as he felt a part of the immense pain his body was going through. ''I know I'll be dying soon... And I hate this, jaan. I hate being a burden for my family, for the ones I love... For you, jaan. I hate it... I hate hurting everyone. Because don't think I don't see the pain I caused everyone. I do see it. And it makes me feel so mad at myself. I'm only a burden right now... Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate all you do for me. But I'm a lost case. I won't survive...''

Liam was upset. He shook his head profusely. He wanted to hear none of it. But this was Zayn talking. His everything. He needed to respect his decision. Because it was already made. Zayn had told him about it before. But he was only reminding him now.

''I love you so much, jaan'' Zayn caressed his cheek, barely lifting his hand with how numb it was from the morphine. Liam's eyes drip with tears. And he didn't even noticed. He couldn't stop. He couldn't stop the pain the love of his life was feeling and it killed him. The muscles of his chin tremble as he looks his eyes on Zayn's. The most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. His safe heaven. He wished a miracle could save his beloved. He wished, he hoped, he longed for that. But maybe the miracle was getting to spend the last hours of his life with him.

''Liam, I wonder where I go... Will I reincarnate in a dog's body? That's all I wish...'' he smiled tenderly. ''Or maybe there is a heaven, who knows? Or... the safest and most secure option, I might become a particle, and I'll be floating around in the universe. I don't know, Li... The only thing I want is that, no matter where I go, I could be right next to you''

Liam's heart felt like it was being shredded from the inside. He was still crying. Like there was too much raw pain inside him to be contained. Like his spirit needed to break loose from his skin, desperate to release an elemental rage on the world, the disgusting world that took his Zayn away from him. Tears streamed down his cheeks, his whole face was red. His upper body and shoulders wracked with every sob that forced their way out, chest rising and falling unevenly as he gasped for breath, and he squeezed his eyes shut, clenching his hands into fists each time he threw his head back to let out a blood curdling sob. He'll miss Zayn so much.

He wasn't certain. He didn't know where would Zayn go. Or if he'd even do it. The only certain thing was that a nurse was going to enter the room at any moment now, and she'd terminate his beloved's life. So he got up and went to cuddle Zayn, as careful and gentle with his fragile body as he could. He held Zayn close next to his chest as he sobbed unceasingly, hands clutching at his hospital gown. Zayn hugged him back in silence, rocking him slowly as Liam's tears soaked his face. A tiny lapse let him pull away, blinking chocolate eyes heavy with tears, before he collapsed again, his howls of misery worsening. ''Don't leave me, baby. I love you forever'' Liam declared in between sobs of lament.

The nurse entered the room, almost feeling like an intruder on this strangers' private moment. She cleared her throat and sat as she explained how the procedure would work. Zayn would  feel no pain, just a moment of confusion and thirst. She asked Zayn to explain what he understood, that he knew the dosis would kill him. He did. Liam wrapped him in his arms and kissed his starry-night-dark hair. There is nothing that could prepare him for the pain of this farewell. "Mr Payne,'' the nurse spoke to him, ''this dose is the minimum that will take him out of pain, but there is a strong likelihood his heart will stop. If that happens, we must let him go. As Mr. Malik made his decision clear, we need you to sign off on the treatment". Liam looked at Zayn, and he just nodded. Liam let the tears flow and his hand shook. "Yeah, just give me the pen, please''. He signed the paper and came back to Zayn.

Zayn kissed him gently on his wet cheek and downed the fluid in one before putting a little piece of chocolate in his mouth to get rid of the bitter taste. Liam squeezed him tighter and to the sound of "Endless Love" by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie, Zayn doze off in his arms. The pain that once burned like fire had faded away to an icy numbness. Black filled the edges of his vision and the only thing he could hear was his own heartbeat, that bit that way,  _that way,_ for the last time.

**'And, yes/ You'll be the only one / 'Cause no one can deny / This love I have inside / And I'll give it all to you / My love / My love, my love / _My endless love'_**

* * *

 

Liam woke up suddenly again dripped in cold sweat. He sat crossed-legged in the chair at the balcony, just observing the river flow calmly. He hadn't realized he probably fell sleep there.

All he wanted was for Zayn to be well. He was tired of his illness. He could hear his cries of agony from far beyond the walls of the hospital waiting room. Zayn wasn't himself anymore. It all started with headaches, excruciating painful headaches. And seizures, not long ones, but horribly terrifying ones where Zayn's whole body would contract and wouldn't let him move, making him lose control of his own limbs for a few minutes.

And so the news came, the worst news they've ever gotten in their lives. Zayn had brain cancer. A cancer inside him, killing him slowly. He had a less-than-ten-percent chance of surviving. And if Liam was suffering, he couldn't even imagine how Zayn was feeling. Because, throughout everything, he stayed strong like the real warrior he is. He was way stronger than what he gave himself credit for, Liam always thought so. And he vomited constantly, he couldn't retain any meal after chemo started. Months passed and he was only getting weaker. Liam's burly biceps carried him around when it hurt to even move. He bathed him, ignoring the will he had to break down crying at the sight of Zayn's prominent ribs, of his bony and slim arms and legs. Gently rubbing his body with honey scented massage oil.

And none of this was Zayn's fault! He was never a burden! He felt like that so many times, and he used to confess it to Liam in between quiet sobs. When all Liam did was brush his long fluffy hair with his fingertips, whispering over and over that it wasn't like that at all, that he couldn't prevent what was happening to his body.

Zayn was, is, and will always be the most wonderful and important piece of his life. His first, his everything. He missed him, every part of his soul. His voice, which was the most beautiful song, more beautiful than anything Liam had heard. Their long walks to the park that was a few blocks away from their home. The debates they had while watching a super hero movie, or the Shrek movie, over which character they'd be. The more serious conversations they had after making love, about pretty much anything that crossed Zayn's mind. Because he had the most fascinating mind. And Liam listened to him as he held all the secrets of the universe.

Zayn was the kind of person that lighted up a room when entering it. He was introverted and thoughtful, but really silly funny, as well as gentle and kind. And he had only a few good friends, but they loved him deeply because of the amazing human he was. Liam remembers those long weekends where they'd visit Zayn's family, which was so extended and united. And while he helped in the kitchen, Zayn would be around the kids making them laugh, spinning them around in his arms, dancing with them and braiding the little girls' hair. He was just so...  _magical._ He knew exactly how to be quiet with Liam, without leaving him aside. They'd be together in the living room at night, and while Liam reviewed his students' work, Zayn would be reading a book. And looking through his glasses, he'd give Liam the most tender and comforting smile.

He had came into his life and made it brighter and colourful. They met in college, when shy young Zayn used to write little poems of this handsome kid that studied at the library at the same hours as he did, and that was so oblivious to his presence. Little poems about all his insecurities and struggles with the pain of unrequited love, he thought he had. Because Liam was this 'straight' kid that used to date the cute girl on his music technology class. Until one day, his notebook of poems filled with bright ones. Because he finally decided to speak to the kid, and they became friends. And Liam was so similar to him. They loved the same things, the same music, the same movies, the same everything. And Liam was falling so hardly for this dove-eyed boy. Zayn's eyes were, in a word, beautiful. They were fascinating, a honey golden brown colour that resembled the colour of earth kissed by spring sun rays. Adorned by the thickest, longest and darkest eyelashes. That Liam wished he could graze, because he was sure they were as soft as silk. And he had the prettiest little eye freckle next to his left iris.

But it took him two whole years of friendship to realized how much Zayn loved him back, the same way he did, if not even harder. When one night Zayn left his poem notebook opened on his dorm's desk, near his textbooks, and when Liam went to pick his textbooks for him, he couldn't resist the urge to read the poems. And went through the three-year-worth of heartache that produced that collection of words. And that's how they started. How they became inseparable, more than what they already were. They met the boys, Niall and Louis, later one, and became a gang. Zayn was the one breaking the barrier of stupid misconceived differences Louis and Liam thought they had when they first met. And the one organizing road trips and camp reunions with them.

Zayn was, is, and will always be the love of Liam's life. When all the insecurities and nervousness Liam had consumed him, Zayn came. He was so chill and knew exactly what to do always. And Liam admired him so much. And when Zayn's self-consciousness and own insecurities got the best of him, Liam's reassuring words were there. They were each other's lifelines. Zayn thought Liam's awkward and goofy self was the funniest and greatest person he ever met. And that filled Liam's heart with pure love. He felt  _loved, fully loved_  by Zayn. He used to do those dance presentations in their living room and Zayn laughed at him like he was witnessing the most entertaining person he has ever seen in his entire life. He brought him hot tea, the way he liked it, the long nights he was working on his thesis and would put him the music he knew that would keep him focused. Zayn was the one taking care of him when he broke his arm doing some silly back flip to impress Niall. And he was the one that accepted the bouquet of flowers Liam picked up for him every afternoon after coming home from the university, as if it was a sacred gift.

He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his shins. Wishing he'd never made the decision he made. Wishing he would've fought for Zayn. For that tiny hope and miracle of possibly saving his life. But he had to live with himself, with the wretched memories swirling around in his head. His eyes, already red and puffy from crying, squeezed shut to push more tears out. He let his head fall down to his knees, and pulled his legs closer. No matter what he did, there was nowhere he could hide from the thoughts in his head.

To say he wished Zayn was there, holding him tight, sounded like some corny line from a travel postcard, but that's all he wished for, every day. To hold him tight one last time.

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

And the last night was the best one. The best night he ever had ever since Zayn was gone.

He woke up to a glow in the room that was too white to be daylight. It started with a slight shimmer, as if the air in front of him was being warped and twisted. The room suddenly got really cold. Then, in a flash of pale, silvery light, he saw a human-shaped silhouette forming. As the light started flickering, he heard a soft voice speak. Too close to him. Too comforting. Too  _familiar_. Bringing himself up resting on his elbows, he squinted his eyes to see better. Someone with golden skin was right in front of the bathroom's door, some steps in front of him. The light, it seemed, was coming from him. He couldn't be human, he was too ethereal.

''Liam?'' Liam's mind was sent reeling, unable to comprehend or process what he just heard. It couldn't be  _him_.  _It was impossible._ The voice stole his breath and the heat from his skin. He had heard that voice so many times to know exactly who it came from. The voice that made him laugh, the voice that said comforting supportive things when he needed them the most, the voice that was his safe home, the voice that weakly said 'I love you' every damn night before going to sleep in that dark horrible hospital room. But Liam was still standing there perplexed, as still as a statue. Suddenly his defences are just paper, paper that is being soaked by the rapidly falling briny drops.

As the beaming light fades, there his gorgeous face was...

_Zayn..._

Liam's brain feels like he has a group of people shouting millions of thoughts at the same time. This can't be... This... Zayn is... He can't be here... He's gone... He is... What-? What was he? Was this a dream? Or worse, a nightmare? It couldn't be. It pretty much felt real, as real as heavy rain falling on an umbrella on his way home. As real as the angelic voice he heard earlier. But what was he? Was he a ghost, possibly?! Or... an angel? Liam liked to think so... He was his angel. But most importantly he was real. He was there,  _next to him._

Seconds pass as he brain struggled comprehending Zayn wasn't one of the pictures he kept beside his bed, that he was real. He was there. And he was glowing, he was happy and looked healthy, just like he did before the illness took his Zaynie away. His honey brown eyes glowed back at him, and Liam wanted to scream. He missed him  _so much._ His brain can't formulate a thought, at least not one based in any language, and if he didn't touch Zayn soon his atoms would tear themselves apart.

He doesn't remember how did the ground between them was completely erased, but one moment they were apart and the next they morphed into a single being. Before Liam could draw in the air his body needed, he have melted into Zayn's form. He felt his torso and the heart that used to beat so fiercely with love within. He got terrified, but he remembered... Zayn's arms were folded around his back, drawing him in closer. Liam's whole body was shaking, crying for the missed time they couldn't spend in each others' arms, crying to release the tension of those horrendous moments apart.

When Zayn pulled his head back, Liam stared at him like the proper work of art his husband was. The love of his life, standing there  _right in front of him._ Zayn wiped the tears that fell down Liam's cheeks with his finger. And Liam got scared at how cold they were, they were freezing. But he remembered. Zayn ate him with his wide eyes and long thick eyelashes, as he ran his hand through Liam's hair, as if he also couldn't believe he was there. When Zayn pressed his plump soft lips against Liam's mouth it was sweet, gentle, and it tasted of his tears. Liam wanted to speak but all he could do was croak, "Don't go, not again." Zayn's mouth painted a tender smile as he nodded once before folding his husband in his arms again. One of his hands clasped around Liam's lower back, the other stroked his hair. With each soft touch more tears fell, tears neither of them wiped away. After all this time, all they wanted was to stay there in each other's arms.

It was impossible to say how much time passed since they embraced, because an eternity could have easily be the answer. And with his face still pressed against Zayn's shoulder, Liam ventured, ''I love you, baby, please don't leave me again. I need you more than anything I ever needed. And I miss you so much. Stay with me and cuddle me, hold my hand, let's laugh together like we used to, let's read together and discussed who is the most powerful super hero, let's make love every night like we used to, let's fight over the dumbest thing to then laugh it off. I need you, Zayn, with me, again, near me, because I'm falling without you''. His voice faltered into unintelligible sobs. After so long without him, Liam thought he'll just die if he left now.

Zayn just held him close, and after some time, he replied, ''I see you. I do. I see pain in those beautiful eyes you have, my jaan. It has sat there for so long. I see love too, the love you would have given me if hadn't died. It's still there, jaan, and one day I will take you with me, to where I am, we'll be two beautiful stars in the night sky, shining right next to one another. There is so much guilt that is a hell for your soul, and you stay there from strength rather than weakness, I know''

Liam's memories came rushing in, when the guilt comes it takes him down the old familiar path. He wants to refuse to walk it, pretending that what he did never happened, but it did. And Zayn's the proof of that. ''No, Zayn, it was my fault! I should have fought harder for you, I should have waited longer for that miracle that could've saved you. And I didn't! I cowardly signed those papers and I killed you! I should have-''

''NO!'' he abruptly interrupted Liam. It hurt him deeply that he had all those wrong conceptions about himself. ''First of all, stop the 'should have's because I'm dead, and there's nothing you, me, or anyone can do to change that!''. Liam's crying intensified and Zayn's heart broke into pieces. He blinked tears from bloodshot eyes, making wet tracks down his face and dripping them from his wobbling chin down to his red mottled skin to his open quivering lips. Zayn had to tell him how he felt, no matter how much it hurt him. ''And second of all, you did all you could. ALL, Liam! You were there with me twenty-four-hours of the day, next to my bed when I was nothing but a sack of bones that suffered in agony. You were there, never forget that! What were you supposed to do? You respected my decision. Because I asked you for it, babe, remember? I was in pain all the time... That wasn't life anymore... I was a burden to everyone, no matter what you all thought... And I was dying anyway. So I chose the good death'' he stated confidently, and with a really sad tone on his voice. ''I know, Li, I see you, and I see you hate yourself, and that hurts me'' he placed his hand right above Liam's heart.   ''And you're afraid of seeing my parents, Li, I know... And I see them too, and I have to tell you, they missed you, jaan... They need you. They not only lost me, but their other son too...''

Immediately Zayn's arms were around Liam as his legs crumbled. Liam slouched down on the bed. Zayn crouched in front of him. With his head in his hands Liam hid tears. He wanted to speak, but it was as though someone was silencing me. Zayn's hand reached through the space between his arms, with fingers gently touching his husband's chin. So Liam dropped his hands and looked at him, fighting back tears. ''I'm so relieved you are okay, my beautiful love'' Liam placed his palms against Zayn's high cheekbones, admiring the way his eyelashes graced his own fingers when Zayn closed his eyes. ''I couldn't stand seeing you suffering any longer... When you were gone, I felt at peace because you wouldn't suffer anymore, but the guilt was left. I would trade my life for yours, but I couldn't... I couldn't save you. I'm sorry, Zaynie, it was all I could do, it was all I could do...''

Liam curled up into a ball, shaking. His breaths were uneven and hitched occasionally. Zayn just comforted him rubbing his forearm lightly. But he continued nonetheless, ''I know we vowed to stay together until death do us apart, but I lied, Zayn! I never agreed to that, to be away from you! I couldn't leave you if you died, and I won't, ever! You have to be here with me too, baby, I miss you...''

Now red, tear-rimmed eyes stared back at Zayn, with watery streaks falling down that beautiful face. Zayn ran a hand through his husband's hair and wiped the tears from his cheeks which were now blotchy and mottled. “Jaan, I can't heal you, but I can help you heal yourself. My love is like a meadow, a quiet place to reflect. In the stillness, you can let the tornado that is your pain slow down, perhaps stop. It is in these times you can begin to take steps forwards, to learn that life is okay. People do care for you, my family loves you with every piece of them, but you need to reach to them. That running mind of yours is looking for solutions, a way to live in peace. Your mind is powerful and it will devote itself to finding a way forward that works for you. The quieter I am, with the truest love for you, the faster you will grow strong. I know it hurts, babe. I know. Try to listen to music like we used to, move, walk, paint, enjoy sunshine and birds... and know I'm always loving you so very much”

_He started dissipating..._

Without another word he left, gone. The room became dark again. Suddenly his mind was filled with questions. He was gone...

Liam cried with every bit of pain he had accumulated inside of him. Not to have him right there was a torture to his soul. He didn't break quietly, it was like every atom of his being screamed in unison, traumatized that he should exist without Zayn. When the wracking sobs passed, he noticed light coming from the bathroom door. Without thinking twice, he ran to it and saw Zayn standing there, glowing like sunlight was trapped within him and seeping through his pores.  _He was back!_ But Liam couldn't move... He was paralyzed! It felt like there was an invisible wall between them that wouldn't allow him to go forward crashing into his husband's arms. He was still again.

''Liam, please promise me something'' Zayn spoke softly, with an echo to his voice that seemed like he was at a bigger distance away that what he actually was.

Liam didn't answer, he knew exactly what Zayn would say.

''Please, promise it, Liam. Promise me you'll move on. You have loved me so deeply, and you deserve so much happiness. Please, take care of my family. They need you. And give the boys all my love. Tell them I miss them dearly. Please, please, forgive yourself, jaan. I love you forever''

 _Those were his last words._ The last words he spoke before vanishing forever. In that exact moment, Liam saw a glowing brightness coming from the window. When he looked at the sky through it, the most illuminated star winked at him.

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

''Liam! Liam! Are you there?! I'll have to kick this door down!''

Liam woke up with a pounding headache, and to the incessant and increasing knocks on his door. He went to open it with wobbly legs. Behind it, Harry was standing just some centimetres away from him, wearing a white silk shirt with a black ribbon around the neck. He gasped at the sight of Liam, and hugged him close. Liam couldn't help but opening his eyes wide, in shock. ''I thought you were...''

Liam released from the hug, with a tender smile. ''Dead?''

''Well... yeah! You were supposed to check in earlier in the morning and you didn't, and you also skipped lunch and dinner, didn't let a notice or anything! And...''

''What hour is it?'' Liam asked confused.

''It's ten in the night, Liam. You see why I was so worried? Were you sleeping or what?''

''I- I don't know actually...'' he tried to recall it, but just couldn't.

Harry let him pack his stuff and he left that day, feeling better. Feeling refresh, reborn.

Liam was as nervous to see Trisha and Yaser as he was the first time he met them. He boiled the kettle for the fifth time that morning, already filled to the brim with tea and wired with caffeine, he busied himself getting the cups and teabags ready. Another quick glance at the luminous digital clock of the oven only seemed to confirm that time was slowing down, his stomach knotted up. He couldn't get himself to calm down. Not with butterflies in his stomach and his head buzzing with possibilities.

When the doorbell rang, he froze contracting all the muscles in his body, except for the cardiac one, that seemed to go faster than ever. He was so afraid of opening the door but he had to, of course he did. They were waiting for him. The doorbell rang once more, and Liam felt a force jolting him forward.

Yaser's wide smile and soft facial features, and Trisha's watery eyes and welcoming open arms stared back at him in the front door of his house. His Zayn looked like the perfect blend of them both. Trisha wrapped an arm around Liam's torso and pulled him close, gently rubbing his back. Despite the heaviness in his stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of her body pressed against his. Liam sunk into the warmth of her side, appreciative of the simple gesture, breathing the familiar scent of her floral perfume.

Yaser looked at him after he step away from Trisha's comforting hug, and walked up to him slowly. He pulled Liam closer to him wrapping his arms around his shaking body. His embrace was warm, and his big, strong arms seemed very protective when wrapped around him. The world around Liam melted away as he squeezed his father in-law back, not wanting the moment to end. ''We missed you so much, beta'' he whispered near Liam's ear.

After the group hug they had, they entered Liam's house holding hands. They had a small talked about the weather, and Liam's job. Something about university, and how were Zayn's sisters. And Yaser told him that the girls were having a pretty successful entrepreneurship they were working on. All under the attentive yet gentle eyes of Trisha, who was still holding his hand while sitting by his side.

Liam then got up to bring them both the tea he had made, when Trisha said, ''Liam, we can't stop pushing the subject afar...''

Liam could feel the thumping of his heart against his chest, racing with each movement. He was scared. Fear tortured his guts, churning his stomach in tense cramps. Fear engulfed his conscience, knocking all other thoughts aside. Fear overwhelmed his body, making it drastically exhausted. But he heard anyhow, ''We missed you so much, my dear. And we were so worried about you'' she began, ''we didn't know if you were depressed, if you were unhealthy, if you were scared, we just didn't know. We wanted to be there with you. Because we were feeling the same pain''

''If not worse'' Yaser added, looking down.

''We tried calling you, and the phone would not pick up. We tried coming here, but you seemed to never be home. We were really worried, Liam'' she stated, with a sad look on her face. Liam's heart broke into a million pieces. He couldn't believe his coward behaviour made the people he loved so much so worried. ''What happened, love?''

Liam took a deep breath. After all this time, the subject still cut him just as deep. It's like a void. A dark void. A never-ending dark void that consumes everything, so your left feeling nothing but deep guilt. ''I was ashamed of myself... I killed Zayn... I- I made that decision that ultimately led to his death... And- And I was so ashamed... How could I possibly look at you in the eyes when I had killed your son?! I was- I was so terrified... I- I am so sorry, I'm so sorry... I wish I could turn back time, but I can't and- I'm just so sorry for what I did... I can't get it out of my mind''. He would describe his guilt like death by a thousand paper cuts, for every time he remembered what he did it was another cut to his already damaged mind. None were enough to kill him, but overtime their accumulation bled him of the humanity he had once had. He once was gregarious a happy and loved guy, now he was just a melancholy container.

Liam sat there, dominated by a profound sadness, fatigue engraved on his worn face. He warmed his shivering hands against the tea mug. He saw it. As much as he tried to avoid those looks, looking down and playing with the tea bag, he saw it. Trisha and Yaser were looking at him with that sorrowful look in their eyes. He didn't understand how could they be so forgiving with him, after all he had done.

Trisha locked her eyes with his own. They were the exact same colour as her son's, beaming with some tears that were welling up on them, and it struck him once again, how similar they looked and how much of Zayn was visible in his parents. Even the same gentleness, calmness and patience he used to have. Taking his bigger hands in hers, she kissed him on both cheeks, and began, ''Liam, how can you think that? You owe us no apology. You have been there for Zayn and you took care of him until the last second he was alive. We were mad and hurt. But it was never at you. The decision at the time hurt us. The only thing you did, Liam, was the right thing. You respected his decision, something we couldn't do...''

''No, mum, don't say that, please'' he gently squeezed her hand resting on the table. For a moment they each focused only on each other's eyes. The tea, cold and long forgotten. ''Of course you'd be hurt. Your son had just died, how else would you feel? I would never understand the immense pain you might have felt. But, I can assure that you don't have to feel bad about anything. Zayn loves you deeply wherever he is''. A single tear rolled down Trisha’s cheek and she quickly wiped it away, despite the loving smile on her face directed at him. Yaser next to her had lowered his gaze and Liam knew that the death of his beloved son still hurt him so very much. He reached for Yaser’s hands across the table, hoping to reassure them of the deep love he still felt for them.

''You have to be very proud of you, beta'' Yaser spoke, with a loving stare on Liam. ''We are very proud of you and we're thankful that you cared for our son when he was- he was suffering so much...'' he winced with the memory as he lifted his eyes to meet the glistening brown orbs of his son-in-law. “Maybe we should all get together for dinner some time. Your parents could come, too, son. We terribly miss Karen and Geoff,” Yaser suggested, after a moment and his wife nodded in agreement.

The conversation seemed a lot lighter now. Now they both knew about the unspoken words. Of all the misunderstandings. Liam led them to the backyard, where they sat on the swinging hammock. All three of them laying together, looking at the scenery in front of them. Through teary eyes he watched the sun fall behind the horizon, painting the sky shades of red and pink, and he feels thankful with life for this moment.

And he hears it, wide-eyed. Yaser's words contract every muscle on his body, but in the good way. In the way pleasant surprises do. ''You know what, beta? We are going to be honest with you, we trust you: we have seen Zayn...''. Trisha nodded, looking straight ahead of her. ''We went to this one hotel outside the city...''

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**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story <3 I hope you liked it and if you did, please kindly leave kudos and tell me what you thought of it, your favourite part, or just anything, on the comments. I'd like to know, if you'd like to share, would you go to a hotel like this one to revive old memories?


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